My really fuck up relationship with Rape Culture and the Patriarchy

Not going to lie.

I had gotten so tired of Patriarchal double standards and rape culture not only being accepted but expected men and boys to at some point to do some kind of, harassment, stalking, rape, molestation, abuse, or sexual assault to women and girls.

That I was like, fuck it the same rules for every one, If men can openly talk about getting a girl so drunk he can do whatever he likes to her ect. then why shouldn't women talk the same way.

It was only after a female friend of mine talked about men the same way that the men around me started to understand how it felt. They told me to talk to her about it, and I ask them how many of them had talked to the men they knew and are friends with about it.

They most often weren't even clear about what is and is not, harassment, stalking, rape, molestation, abuse, or sexual assault. I know sometimes it can be hard understand and it can even take the victims time to understand all of the long lasting and far reaching consequences. You can have all kinds of mental health problems from it, and not know you have them, they may not know why they might be feeling uncomfortable, upset, afraid, or aggressive.

She like most men was all talk. But she like many men had grown up seen the same movies, TV shows, songs, that showed it as good, funny, or make it seem like no big deal.

She grow up as more of us did seeing, harassment, stalking, rape, molestation, abuse, and sexual assault as being what love is.

Men are far more likely to not report a lot of these things because it's ok for men to be perpetrators but not victims.

Female victims are often blamed but male victims are more likely to be shamed.

And boys are told not to see being sexual molested as that big a deal and if it's by a woman it's a good thing and you should be great full or feel lucky. Most men and some women often say things like "he's so lucky" to be molested by his teacher, babysitter ect.

It's more ok to physical and emotional abuse men and boys in relationships. Women and girls are more likely to die from being physical abuse but men are far less likely to report or be taken seriously if they do. I don't know of any battered mens shelters and it can be harder for a man to get custody of their child if his wife is abusive to him and/or his kids.

A lot more people have been noticing that things most people didn't even think of like movies, TV shows, songs, ect. are accepting and encouraging these things ever since me too movement and Harvey Weinstein as well as other celebrity, charges, allegations, scandals because more people are talking about it more openly.

And like with things like racism if you don't notice or it doesn't affect you, you don't understand why you should have to care or stop listening to, and watching that thing I'v always liked.

People often say things like "so now that racist (sexist or whatever damaging and painful thing) so I'm not allowed to like it"

But it didn't start being damaging and painful only after someone pointed it out, it always was, it was just accepted and seen as normal so most people didn't have to think about it, but it still hurt people.

I get that we need things that make us happy and feel good but some things will be to painful for some people to deal with. And something that's really hard for me to deal with might not matter as much to you.

Sometimes it has more to do with your relationship with the thing.

So lets say a TV show like for me it would be a show like The Cosby Show as well as A Different World ect. that were a big part of my childhood they were funny to me, made me think, and I learn some things about Black History and was often inspired to go learn more about things they talked about.

It turns out that Bill Cosby had been raping, drugging, coercing or sexually assaulting as many as 60 women in all since 1965.

And am really hurt by that because I really looked up to him, he help so many other peoples voices be heard and gave a lot of people opportunities that wouldn't have had them, his work was and is something matters to me and my childhood.

I can't unknown all the bad things I know about him now but I also can't undo what his work has meant to me.

If I watched his shows for the first time knowing what I do now I would be able think of it without thinking about all the fucked up things he has done. Other people that had become well-known for being on his shows are innocent bystanders. And he made kid shows people grow up watching.

I was talking to someone that hadn't grown up watching his work and they couldn't understand why I would feel the need to re-watch some of his work to learn to deal with him and his work. That was 2 or 3 years ago now and I still haven't done it.

Then we had a talk about how now I know a lot of kids shows and story I loved growing and that they had seen inspired me to learn about the world and see it as an amazing place with wonderfully different people, places, and things in it, were all spreading and reinforcing the idea that colonialism was a good thing, and almost ever art or person in history was sexist, or racist ect. cause it was seen as ok, good, or great to be them and if they didn't they were seen as abnormal or like there was something wrong with them.

But at what point can we try to separate the art from the artist. It often has a lot to do with if it affect you personally and when you found out the bad thing.

For me something I can't separate from the artist

is Alice's Adventures in Wonderland aka Alice in Wonderland.

I watched the Disney movie when I was little I didn't like it that much and didn't think she was that smart or brave and I value those things pretty highly so I didn't really like her.

Because she is the most well known Alice so people tended to associate the names with the story. People are always telling me how much they love the book and so on.

But because I was molestation when I was little and Lewis Carroll the Author of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland is rumored to have had a relationship with Alice Liddell who was only three-years-old when she met Lewis Carrol. And we know he took inappropriate pictures of her.

So I will never read Alice's Adventures in Wonderland I have tryed but the thought of Lewis Carroll the person and what most people believe he did and in all likely hood did do, I just can't deal with it and thinking about it really affects my mental health. When I think of any one being manipulated, used, and abused it really fucks me up but children are by far the most painful.

I was thinking about it and it doesn't even matter if it's not true that's what I think of when people talk about it.

But Alice is my fucking name and it was my grandmothers name so I have to find a way to deal with it same times it's harder then others.

I did watch Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland it was better then the older Disney movie of it.

But with things that were seen as cultural norms it can be harder

Like it was always wrong to own people but if enough people say it's normal then it becomes normal for most people to try not to think about that to much then you'r the crazy one trying to stop it.

People can't understand or a lot of time even want to try to understand how to change things as big as cultural norms. It's the what does it matter I'm just one person way of thinking.

Right now it's "PC gone mad" because we often can't all agree on what should change and some people just don't caring or think something should change. We have to be able to remember, talk about, learn about and even laugh about sometimes painful experiences.

We don't have to build or have monuments to people who's life's legacy was to cause harmful or kill people.

It's seems to me that it's about the person, the context of the situation, how it's talked about, and some times even who the person is talking to.

We still have free speech what is and is not inappropriate to say is always changing. But at what point does free speech become harassment?