It was me all a long

When I was little I wanted to be, strong, wise, useful, helpful, and loved.

I was thinking about it today and I was trying so hard to be what I always was.

I can't make people love, value, or care about me.

And as my from of being autistic seems mean most people can't seem to feel those things about me.

No matter what I do how much I might love and care for them. A lot of people just don't see me as anything good at all.

I'm autistic in a way that is useful at times but that people hate.

People also have gotten mad at me for some crazy things. Like them thinking I'm good looking and being smarter than them about somethings.

I don't have that much power over what I look like or being smart. I literally cannot stop myself from thinking all the time. And I have tried really hard to.

If I try to help people they often seem to think I am trying to make them feel bad or show off or something.

I don't lie about things. So I will tell people I am smart. I have deficiencies too and I have learning disabilities and see nothing wrong with being proud of being intelligent in other ways. I don't lie when I am bad at things ether.

I tell people I have learning disabilities and that bad at special awareness and get lost all the time. I have a hard time paying attention sometimes. I can't stop myself from remembering somethings and I have a real hard time remembering things like names, numbers, how to spell things right.

I am often lost in my own thoughts and am not thinking that much about what's happening now.

But I was always the things I was killing myself trying to be.

People around me have always told me I'm not. But if I really think about it. I am and I always have been.

And even if I can't make other people love, care for or even like me. I can be loving and caring and try to see the good in others.