An affliction

I often feel as though I am inflicting myself and other people

I'm always highly aware of the fact that anything that I may say or do you may upset everyone around without me fully understanding why

My intention is not usually to upset or distress people or to make people mad or sad

But that does frequently seem to be the outcome regardless of my intentions

I often wish that my presence in people's life would be more joyful

I often wish that I was funny in a way that other people appreciated

It's not that I don't make jokes

It's just the people around me don't seem to appreciate the ones that I do make

I was told that I had to force myself to Act cheerful

So I tend to smile and things

But ultimately a lot of the time I am quite sad or unhappy

Now that I know that I'm autistic and sensory issues

some things are getting a lot better and

in a lot of ways things aren't as bad as they used to be

Because I don't hate myself as much

But I still have offbeat and quite obscure interests

And a pretty dark sense of humor

I didn't wish to have a detrimental affect on other people's lives

That I care about and I want them to be happy

But I also think that some things matter more than being happy

Like knowing some sort of depressing things will stop more bad things from happening in the future and help people make more informed decisions

I do understand that this could make me seem like a downer for people to be around

But as I do not always know what the effects of my words will be

The only things that I can think to lessen the negative impacts that my communications May impart two people

is to make my interactions

less frequent

And sometimes to have no interaction at all even if I wish to

If the impact of my interactions is negative and I have no way of understanding what is and is not negative to the person

Then the only thing that I can do is try to not interact with people but I care about

I often use this blog to say things that I feel that I have to say

Because with blogs people can choose to or choose not to read them

I'm not talking to one individual person

So it is a more passive interaction

No one has to read it and I purposely do not share my activities on here with most people

This blog belongs to me

And I can write what I like and make jokes or silly poems

And talk about things people don't want to talk about