Getting older and nostalgia

I just turned 40 not that long ago

And all the algorithms online seem to assume that I am nostalgic for the good old days

But I'm not really

I do not want to go back to the life that I had before

I haven't been diagnosed with autism for very long

And until I had my diagnosis or even the realization that I might be autistic

I was severely depressed and suicidal

So I don't really want what I had before

Even if getting older means that I don't see my friends and people that I care about as much

I don't want what I had before

I want new times

Better ones

For them and for me

Maybe I will change my mind when I have lost more people in my life

But every time in my life comes with good and bad

I don't want what I had or who I was.

I don't think things were better then are simpler

I don't long for the ignorance of childhood

I had good times with my friends

But the things that matter aren't gone

The love I have for them is still here

The people that have hurt or betrayed me are no real loss as they were never really something I had to start with

So I don't miss what I had with them

Because it was never real

I might miss this or that but I know that most of what matters I still have

Even losing my dad and grandparents

They lives inside my mind and heart all the time

They might not be able to change but I learned from them and remember them all the time

I do wish they didn't have to die

But I wouldn't go back to the times I was being bullied and depressed

Not understanding why I always seem to be in so much more pain than everybody around me and in a great deal of discomfort

Constantly trying to figure out "what I had done wrong this time"

I rather live in the now than living in a nostalgic Haze that society believes someone of my age should want to live in

Having dreams of being young thin and beautiful

ignorant and desired

To me youth equals ignorance and being easily manipulated

and beautiful and desirable equals being Targeted to be harassed and followed

I have always looked forward to not being those things

No matter how hard my culture has tried to force me into wanting them

To me all ages and times in my life will come with the good and the bad

So feeling nostalgic and long for the good old days would be wishing away what I do have

And I'd rather love what I have now then long for things I can't have anymore and wish my life away

I want to live now

I might not have everything at the same time but I want to love what I know I will not have forever

The people that I will miss one day that I will never stop loving

For as long as I live

I want to love what I have now

Maybe these will be the time I will one day long for

And I want to live them as much in the now as I can

Or as much as my Mental Health problems will allow me too

I know that one day I might miss my youth but that day is not today

So I try to love myself now as much as I can

I know that people in my family live longer than most so I don't think I have been

all that I will become

I often think about all that I might look back on and miss when I'm in my 80s or 90s maybe even 100s

My mom has often told me I will miss what I have now one day.

I know she is right ever if she is not right about the things I will miss. She is right that I will miss what I have.

I don't know if I will miss looking young but I think I will one day miss the people I have now.

And my health and body will most likely deteriorate more than it already has

So even if I am already disabled in a number of ways

I know that I know have things that I can do that one day I will not be able to

for one reason or another

So I don't want to live in a state of nostalgia

Trying to hold on to something I can no longer have and losing what I do.