Rejection sensitivity when you have autism

Rejection sensitivity when you have autism can be quite complicated.

You can often miss when people are being rude deliberately hurtful and even bullying you. And then one day you have the realization that the people around you are not only unkind but actively antagonistic towards you.

So you start to ask yourself things like, are they really my friends?, does everyone hate me?, if I missed or misunderstood those interactions perhaps I've done so with everyone.

When you have autism you have to know that you can be challenging for people to be around and other people can be challenging for you to be around at times too. And sometimes people that really love you can just be having bad days and say or do hurtful things.

I know that I have had to learn to have a high tolerance for people being hurtful and cruel because they perceive anything that I may do as intentional and deliberately harming them.

I like all people that have experienced trauma do have certain hair triggers. But for the most part I genuinely think that most people are good and not trying to hurt me. Perhaps I too often judge people as I would be judged.

Clumsy and misinformed rather than cruel and stupid.

But what do you do with rejection sensitivity when you are and actually have been rejected repeatedly.

When your autistic people will literally tell you that everyone hates you, and that no one likes being around you, that your family shouldn't care about you, that you don't have friends, that you don't have feelings. And that they all talk about how annoying you are and hate you when you're not around.

So is that even rejection sensitivity or is it just rejection?

I do know that people often feel rejected by autistic people because we often interact by ourselves or even that we are interacting with the world in a way that others do not understand.

Most people often don't understand whenever you tell them that the light hurts or that sound hurts or you just really love looking at that color or listening to that song. Looking at that color might make you feel sad.

People hate you for not knowing things and they hate you for knowing too much. For being slow or for being gifted.

A lot of the times you won't even know why people are mad at you and they're just yelling "you know why" "stop lying" and similar.

It has been years now since I've decided to interact with most people as little as possible. But the trauma Still Remains. And I'm constantly asking myself if the small number of people that I do interact with hate me or just barely managed to tolerate me.

I might not require constant reassurance the way that I know a lot of people need. But I still spend far too much of my time thinking about it just in case everything falls apart the way it has before.

Thinking about, Am I just bothering them, do they see me as a burden, Etc.

Lately I have been considering interacting with people online and stopping myself.

Even if I do share something online I will often not write something because I think the one I write Maybe misunderstood in some way or unwanted.

I even make this blog on an old art page I made for school a long time ago even though I have only told one person I'm close to they can read it.

Because I can post whatever I like here and people can choose to interact with it or not.

It has my own name attached to it because I'm not ashamed of what I have to say. I do not wish to burden people with it.

I don't really care if no one ever reads it but it is a way to release the things I feel I have to say even if there is no one listening.