The deterioration of my faculties

I was born with disabilities so they're nothing new to me

But discovering new ones and developing new ones

Can be quite challenging still

I was born with disabilities of dyslexia of reading and math and autistic however I didn't find out I was autistic until relatively recently

What's autism there are struggles that I have always had only now I understand them better and have a community of people that I can go to whenever I find things challenging

Even if there are relatively no accommodations that people will offer adult diagnosed autistic people

I'm finally certain that I also have ADD as well

Which is probably why I have difficulties staying on topic

Anyway back to deteriorating faculties

Because of my migraines that I have developed as an adult I have symptoms and The Language Center in my brain where other people would have visual symptoms

Five difficulty speaking I have developed a stutter and processing language times

It's like a language I've known my entire life has just become a noise I can no longer understand

But because these symptoms are tied to my migraines they vary inconsistency and then there manifestations

I believe that this is why I have been struggling so hard to use language as much as possible whenever I can

I've always liked language and words and learning about them even if I couldn't read or write them

However the more I that feel that faculty deteriorates the more I struggle to use it

I've always worked hard on things that I struggle with like reading and writing and Mathematics even when I didn't seem to make any progress I would keep trying even if I would give up periodically after becoming so discouraged from trying so hard for so long

I'm having to use speech to text so forgive me if there are any typos

Even though I grew up having dyslexia because I'm autistic I often made up stories in my head because it was easier than interacting with people and I could do it anywhere and didn't need to remember to bring things with me so I never had to get bored

So I've always secretly wanted to be a writer however I let the focus and the determination to write proper novels like I wish to

Even finishing short post can be quite challenging for me

Even if I can make up stories for hours in my head it is difficult to put those stories into words

I've always found words to be quite limiting whenever I can imagine things extremely vividly

I can always think of thousands of ways to describe it but none of them ever seem to be perfect

So I don't really think of myself as being a wordsmith

However feeling the loss of the faculty of using words altogether instinctively has me fighting against it

Perhaps because I fear that my temporary symptoms May at some point become permanent disabilities

My doctors tell me that it is unlikely but that does not stop the interfere and anxiety

Ironically I had grown up fearing that I would go blind like the French Impressionists rather than losing my other faculties

I have never been particularly athletic so I've never feared getting old in that way as long as I can get around to live my life physically I'm kind of okay

But I've never thought that I would lose my ability to understand words or to speak

According to my mother I learned to speak quite early and how excellent grasp a complex words and meanings

Other autistic people that learn to read and write early call themselves hyperlexic I don't know what the term would be for someone that learns to speak early

I'm still not very good at reading and writing but I had hoped that I would get better in my old age and perhaps more patient with things and able to write things down

I appear to be finally against my fear of the loss of language I'm periodically experiencing

The more I struggle with it the more I fight it

Even if I don't have any stories that I'd like to tell right now I want to convey myself using words

I know that it won't really be the last words that I ever use because my condition is not a permanent one

However my struggle to use language has meant that I have to fight and work hard to use it

I can't help myself but want to fight against it

I can't not give up without a fight