Being ill is so much more then I thought it would be

Being ill is really more then I could have thought it could be. It's the falling, having to distract myself from the pain but at the same time not being able to focus on anything, spilling thing on myself, knocking things over and no being able to pick them up, spending more money cause you can't think good enough to wait of think about better ways of doing things, not being able to cook even to just microwave meal or even decide what I want to eat. I can't work on the simplest things I start then have to stop over and over again taking things apart cause I have for gotten how to do it or started it wrong on a scarf that is really hard to do. I try to do other things I plan it out when I feel better then I have to stop. For some reason I have been writing more though maybe cause I haven't been talking to people inflict myself on other people my mom is the only person I talk to and we aren't good at that. I have been writing here so I do start talking to people online I have to work really hard at it so I don't start thinking I can be myself cause I go overboard being to passionate or over informing about things they don't care about I pretty sure that more people he unhallowed me anyway. I have been thinking about how my mom is my life support system. I have always felt some what removed from things but now I'am entirely removed from everything.

What the fuck am I doing? What is this life for? I don't believe in god if I did I'd be mad as hell not really because of the pain I'm in be that people that are victims are in though why put me here and take away my power to do ny thing. Ever time I try to do something to help the world no one cares and often they go the other way because I was the one that told them about it. I had always thought I can only take one person to change things but all I seem to have done is make things worse.

P.S.

I need to stop being around people even my mom I try to deal with the pain as best I can but no one understand how much pain I'm in, even when my pain and discomfort is clearly visible. I have to find a way to not rely on other people or at least as little as possible.People not caring that much about has always been the way things are but now it's causing me real pain. I keep thinking that it will be ok I can go out they'll understand but I have to stop that.